I consider myself to be a good person... got strong ethics, offer encouraging words as often as humanly possible, give to charitable donations regularly, am super conscious of the well being of those around me, do my best to stay positive ...that sort of thing. But I also consider myself to be a pretty well flawed individual.
I talk too much, tend to be judgmental, have serious moments when I gravitate toward negative thinking, get frustrated fairly easily, and am a bit of a sensitive soul. Sometimes I dwell far too long on what spewed out of my mouth in social situations. It's in these moments and, the hours and days following that I feel like I've totally screwed up and lost my street cred. Thing is, I'm not sure if others notice it half as much as I do, but it still bothers me. I have no patience for my imperfections.
Last night, at our good friends' going away party, I had several different conversations with just as many different people. Good times were rolling, all was well, no crazy mess ups. Then I was chatting with a couple of junior high teachers about , essentially, how I admired their appreciation and optimism in children of this age group. Since I've always been more easily "at one" with younger children, I said, I can't identify with the pre-teens/teens with as much grace and understanding. What followed was my rant about something like how they text too much, can't communicate well, are inconsiderate, and on and on. Thing is, I feel this way MAYBE five percent of the time. Why did I unleash this horribly uncharacteristic verbal spewing (that felt like it lasted an hour, but probably lasted only three minutes) about these kids who are perfectly fine and who are doing their best to navigate through a world that can be incredibly overwhelming? I felt embarrassed. But I also felt that if I back tracked and tried to explain myself, I would have dug myself even deeper into that very yucky place.
I wondered, today, why I did that... why I have a tendency every now and again to go on with the negative... ESPECIALLY when I don't even agree with three quarters of the shit I'm saying. In the case of the junior high teachers, I know exactly why. I think I have this weird pathology where I bring myself down to a lower level because I, illogically, feel that I can over emphasize my praising of the other person's work/behavior/talents/skills, whathaveyou and, therefore, make them feel even better about their accomplishments. Rationally, I understand that it's just a silly backwards way of complimenting someone and that putting my own self down only leaves me feeling like I've messed up again.
Now if my husband, Sebastian, was there with me, he would have made a joke about it and given me a hug and a kiss on my forehead... instant rebalancing. But because I was on my own... I struggled with that balance. I'm left wondering why messing up in such a really trivial way like this, and in other moments when I express harsh judgment and so on, makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world. And I think it comes down to the fact that facing our imperfections is a very very scary thing... especially when facing them becomes a daily occurrence. Why is it that the one single solitary negative thing I do, or negative comment I hear from another person is what stands out for a longer period of time and with such impact than that of the five gazillion really nice and positive things I do and say? Can I blame it on the 12 years of Catholic schooling and the subsequent and prolific Catholic guilt? Wish I could. Instead, I continue on the path of my rather elongated series of life lessons.
I learn to go easy on myself (another invaluable bit of love and support that my husband has taught me)... like I imagine that my screw up doesn't exist anymore and the I go make some tea, or take out some really great material and make a new piece of jewelry or write a letter to a friend or hug my dog or stand in the sun in the patio garden or tell Sebastian I love him or look at the wedding album or practice the guitar or visit with my elderly neighbor (she's so good to me) or, really , just say, "screw it."... a more effective form of denial. It doesn't matter if I messed up this one millionth time 'cause, hell, overall I've already done a pretty damn good job of myself. And I should just pipe down and enjoy these moments just a little bit more. Even though the 5% of nastiness and embarrassment packs a heck of a punch, I remind myself that it's the other 95% of the time that is actually creating my life. This is a much more satisfying thought. And, in this better moment, I'm choosing the 95%.
