Years ago, maybe when I was 18 or 19 years old, I remember imagining being inside of a life fully engaged in art as both a lifestyle and as a means of making a living; and spending this experience with a person I fell in love with more with each passing day. A fantasy, yes, but I'm not afraid to admit that I spent hours a day for years daydreaming about it. You know why?I'm a dreamer. An unapologetic, shameless, staring into the sun dreamer. Sometimes I thought maybe I shouldn't trust myself with my grand ideas and secret wishes... that probably if I let myself really dive into feeling happy and content in these thoughts, that I would, eventually, just be disappointed in not having the things and the awesome experiences I dreamed I would have at different stages in my life. But, in some of the darkest and overwhelming times in my life, I have always- without fail- gone to my "happy place".
I can remember when I was six years old and my mother was dying. Something shifty was going on. I paid attention to every detail of my Mom's changing face, her hair falling out and trying to cover it with a kerchief or a wig. But, most of everything, I remember her amazing smile and her grace and strength and full love. I had no idea she was going away from us until she was gone. Clueless then blindsided. After that, for years, it was witnessing my Dad struggle to raise 6 children on his own... working his ass off while still being there for us in any moment that we needed him. My father is nothing short of my hero. This was, no doubt, a troubling time, but it was in these years that I first learned to , by contrast, find a better place to be. My clearest memory is of hearing my Dad crying one late afternoon in his bedroom, maybe a few months after my mom passed. I just knew enough to go in and hug him, but after that I went into my own room and curled up with my dolls and thought of my mom hugging Dad and dancing with him to Benny Goodman in the kitchen and drawing roses and painting my toenails and imagining my Mom in my life at the age I am now... I can tell you that I felt calm and peaceful and in a safe world. I was a daydreamer before this- like playing in the creek by the side of our house as a four year old- but this was the first time I remember dreaming about myself with the larger picture of a future attached.
I share this bit with you because this was my initial recollection of how thinking nicer, surreal thoughts of grandeur would allow me the chance to feel better. The hope of existing more in the space of sunshine and rainbows (don't knock the rainbows) and less in a space of darkness, appealed to the six year old then and , still, the six year old inside me today. There's no real difference- except that maybe I'm allowed to drink coffee and stay up until all hours of the night if I feel like it.
That said, I encourage you to give yourself the same opportunities to stop for a little in your day to day lives and embrace the staring off out the window or into your coffee cup or at the people rushing by. These are your moments to imagine the beauty that you want to feel. And I can assure you that as long as you allow yourself that much, you will ultimately have the reality and the dreams that you once let yourself think up.
The contrast is not to be taken lightly. You have a shitty day or week or year or life, but you've also got your creative ability to make the life you want happen... if not by exact details and standards than by the feeling of appreciation in wherever you are in any given moment. We are lucky and fortunate beings to have this ability.
And look, my life is full of less the excess of things than the abundance of goodness ...like the love and friendship of my super artistically talented husband and a space to dream in so that I can conjure up thoughts of the life that led me to make a living off of selling pretty wares (like the Perfect Bliss birdcage veil in the photo above).
It's really okay to be cheesy and dream. In fact, I'm just gonna say, it's the only way. Life could really suck otherwise... or, at least, might not be as amazing.
