I am lacking courage. I lack the motivation to just take that bastard of a psychologically insurmountable baby step onto the next stage of my life. Have you ever felt this way? Are you feeling that with something in your life right now?
The brutal and near embarrassing truth is this: I'm not a great risk taker. I fear failing, feeling rejected; I fear conceptualizing and creating designs that few will appreciate (or buy- awful to say, but it's the truth and necessity of running a business, right?). My heart is a full and passionate creature; it overtakes the logic of my brain in situations where even many of my closest friends think I'm being too unrealistic and hopeful. They are loving with me; they are gentle; they are kind- but how do I translate a deep knowing of what feels right; pure; true? How do I not come across as a foolish pipe-dreamer? But then that rarely stops me from letting it guide me. The dreamer is always a ridiculously resilient, sanguine, faithful beast. Kind of like Mars the Dog. But unlike Mars, my fear- that nasty unkind f*cker- leaves an unsettling doubt and a cowardliness that holds me back from making a clear choice within a very powerful opportunity. So that sucks.
There are the secret wishes that have been sparked and then roused all within a single moment of knowing... of great love, of a dreamy career, of having a child or- given another course- of a wildly inspiring child-free life (Truth is, I already know my life can be fulfilling either way; albeit in uniquely different ways.) But I carry with me in virtually every single thought I have; or lacking that- in every feeling I experience; the mother of all pipe dreams. And I wonder... will my lack of courage leave me on the other end, just shy of being a part of the wonderfulness of it all? If I lack the courage and fail to move dauntlessly by just taking that damn simple baby step, then what? If I move with the truth pounding from my sensitive, mighty heart... then what?
I think this quote best sums up our choice to take risks in life... with romantic love, with the love of a career, with friendships, with family, with stepping just outside of a life-crippling fear and into the vastness of all else. So it's really just this, you guys: "It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does." My god... What if it does?
Roll with the punches, swim through the wild and swim through the calm, feel your emotions, unleash your most seemingly unattainable wishes, know that with each stumble a new desire for something even more brilliant is born. Be good to others; across the board, no exceptions. And, of all that is holy, be good to yourself.
Courage is a genius disguised as a vixen, I'm sure of it. Trust courage. If it draws you in and compels you to all things light and beautiful and passionate, then there is substance in its outcome. Trust that the unfolding will reveal something far greater than even your hugest pipe dreams conjured up.
That is all. Onward.
(for the record, writing this out helped me so much. Thank you for hanging with me through it.)
Love,
Cath
