In brief, my marriage has ended. Also in brief, we both feel oddly positive and optimistic about this next stage. Sebastian and I, together for 12 years (8 of those, married), have always had a solid friendship. Anytime we approached an obstacle, we worked through every detail of it until we came out the other side with a clearer understanding of each other and a little more self awareness than before (I had more to learn than Sebastian, I think). Family and friends loved us together because our polar opposites made for an interesting sociological observation. We were an unconventional pair, he and I. He's very logical and practical; I'm a shameless dreamer and your typical hopeless romantic. It was cute, the two of us together. We pulled the best out of each other personally and professionally; we were (are) each others' greatest champions.
But then, as Sebastian was feeling like he wanted to bring the pace of our life down a few notches, I was beginning to want to expand it up and out. We've, thankfully, been supporters of each others' greater happiness so when we naturally started gravitating along different paths we decided it was best to allow for that freedom to explore our most peaceful and inspiring selves. And this is where we now stand.
It's been some months since we made the decision to get a divorce. That conversation was surreal and, frankly, it knocked the wind out of me. But, equally surreal, was how fast I came to terms with accepting it - it was a matter of an hour, though it's taken these months to settle my thoughts (and, I'm aware it will take some more time to process this all fully). It helps that we talk daily and are good to each other. I will never be able to fully express the love I feel for our friendship, now more than ever. Sebastian has been my greatest source of strength and comfort during all of this. And once I got past the social stigma attached to divorce and the misconceptions that often come along with it, I learned to focus solely on the love from friends and family that's surrounding me. Which, totally unexpectedly, feels like a lot of love. A lot. So there's something else to be thankful for.
A couple of pieces of insight coming out of this process:
1. If we're okay with it, you need to be okay with it. I've had to comfort more people than I had expected to have to comfort after sharing the news of mine and Sebastian's divorce. And normally I would have given in to the emotional upset to become one with their perspectives, but really I'm just taking care of myself and feeling no guilt about that. It's a major step for me; you have no idea.
2. Love the love in your life. I've spent more time than I care to admit worrying about how things will turn out in life. It's taken up years of my existence. This divorce process has presented me with a couple of options: Focus on the blessings or focus on the burdens. During these months, I have stumbled and cried and felt like a failure; I have had moments of self-doubt about how I'm going to do this on my own after being with someone for over a decade of my life; I've felt a very unique kind of pain during this process. It dawned on me that I'm going through this time regardless of how I choose to spend it, so I might as well not waste it spiraling into a murky abyss. Ultimately, I have chosen to focus on the blessings. There are many... Sebastian and I respect and care for each other; we did not have (human) children so we are not directly involving anyone else, and we have the love of friends and family. I don't think this is luck, I think it's a choice. And I know this because I've been through more than enough of my share of life's twists, beginning at a very young age, to understand that it's all about perspective. Talk about your blessings more than you talk about your burdens. I promise you, it will change your life.
Maybe this isn't what you were expecting from a post titled, "On the Close of My Marriage". Maybe you anticipated troubled ramblings or dramatic exclamations, but this is how we roll and so there it is. I hope this gives some of you a different framework in which to view the close of anything in life, marriage or otherwise. I'm remaining hopeful of the hope of beautiful things to come. It's my best option. And, you know what? I still (foolishly?) believe in love and marriage. Always a wildly unabashed romantic, this girl. Wish me luck.
Onward...
p.s. Mars the Dog is enjoying the new-found life of being on the receiving end of guilty divorced parents syndrome... extra treats, extra walks, even more love (if that's possible).
p.p.s. Those are our wedding rings, in the photo above. They are now kept in a little box with an antique silk handkerchief his grandmother gave me when we married, plastic rings from a Taco Bell bubble gum machine he gave me as my engagement ring (I think that was so awesome.), and a simple note he wrote to me on a scroll some years ago. I love these memories and regret none of it- there's something to be said about that, I think.
